Modern Mating

Nuns and Monks and Online Dating?

2006-11-15T12:04:00.000-05:00

While dating isn't generally part of becoming a nun or a monk, there is a whiff of online dating at the site: http://vocation-network.org/match

Vocation-Network.org seeks to hook those seeking to connect with spiritual communities or who are considering a religious life, with the right community. The site offers ads from the Benedictine sisters, inviting single Catholic women to their monastery in Duluth Minnesota. There are ads from the Jesuits in New Orleans, inviting men to come down and meet with Jesuit novices and then to experience several days in a directed, silent retreat.

Between the "Nun Runs", the "Discernment Retreats", and the opportunity to live "the monastic experience", it's clear that religious orders have learned something from MySpace and are actively marketing themselves to a demographic group that is largely lacking from convents and monasteries.

The line "Dare to come, see, and dream with us" could just as easily be a listing on a swingers site, but instead, it's the Sisters of St. Francis inviting young women to spend Advent Saturday with them, and to share a Sunday Mass.

Vocation Match has a database containing over 300 religious communities, and the site offers two ways to find the right match. First, there's a text search capacity and then there's a matching algorithm. So if you're a woman with a strong interest in the environment and social justice, the Benedictine Sisters of Watertown South Dakota could be right for you. And if you're a guy who is interested in pursuing interfaith dialogue or overseeing rehab programs, joining the brothers of St. Francis of Assisi might be your dream monastic date.

online dating

The Money Matchmaker

2006-05-20T17:08:00.000-04:00

I helped pay for a boob job. Only it wasn’t for my breasts. They belonged to a 43 year old mother of five from Vancouver, Washington whom I had never met. But after reading about her situation, I couldn’t help myself. “Kool-mom” had written up an enticing, humor-filled loan request on Prosper.com, a website that merges the worlds of internet auctions and personal loans. I was so eager to help make her “dream come true”, that I bid on her request repeatedly. “Why should this adorable homemaker and decorative artist have to live her life without a bust? I don't. Let’s fill out those A-cups!” I thought. And the mostly male lender community agreed that this was a worthwhile cause.

Kool-mom eventually garnered 95 bids. Towards the end, it was like an eBay auction as eager bidders competed to loan this woman money at increasingly modest rates. Kool-mom’s final loan was for $6,000, and it was paid by 39 lenders including $50 from me. Her APR was 8.43%, well below the financing charges available through plastic surgeons and better than the 19.9% she could obtain through many credit card issuers. So long as she doesn’t default, Kool-mom’s lenders will receive 7%, a rate that handily exceeds money market returns.

This is America's answer to micro-lending, and my piece on it was published today in the Wall Street Journal and again here, in its Startup Journal. If financial polygamy sounds like fun, it is. Fortunately, when you get involved with lots of strangers in this manner, there is more potential for heartburn than Chlamydia.

When Charlie Sheen gets lonely

2006-05-14T11:57:00.000-04:00

In today's New York Daily News there was a delicious gossip item about how Charlie Sheen finds dates. In the wake of his separation from Denise Richards, Ben Widdicombe reports that Sheen has been using the dating site MillionaireMatch.com to meet women.

MillionaireMatch.com is one of the many social networking/dating sites that caters to the prosperous and their hangers-on. The site claims that its "clients include CEOs, professional athletes and doctors, lawyers, investors, entrepreneurs, professional models and cheerleaders, engineers, and movie directors, just to name a few." And it bills itself as "the best and largest place in the world to meet successful, beautiful friends and singles for dating, fun, great emails, or a relationship that may last a lifetime."

The site is milking its Sheen connection, noting on its homepage that "If the site is slow at this moment, come back early morning or late night. It may be due to the recent publicity about a major Hollywood celebrity having found a match here." Some of that delay may be due to me. Upon learning that Sheen had a profile, I spent an hour paging through profiles trying to find his. Widdicombe had given a bit of a hint, saying that Sheen's username "starts with an M and ends with a Z." Unfortunately, I struck out. Perhaps, in the wake of public scrutiny and in the wake of an increasingly ugly divorce, Sheen pulled his profile.

MillionaireMatch.com is the kind of dating site that will appeal to a very specific population. The men look like the kind of guys Candace Bushnell called "modelizers." If they aren't a "Mr. Big" already, they aspire to become him. They're well-groomed, into their success, not afraid to specify their income (about half the members specify a range of annual income -- i.e., $200K+, $500K+, $1000K+), and looking for, as one of the members,"Docteur", says, someone who "augments me professionally."

The women are consistently attractive, with many of the photos having the composition and style of a professional head-shot or a trip to "GlamourShots." Unlike the men, the women rarely include their income information. Clearly, the "millionaires" on the site are expected to be the men.

The profiles don't invite many words, and only a minority of members go beyond a few sentences. But when they do write, they write about themselves, rather than what they're looking for in a partner. The intrinsic narcissism of the participants in MillionaireMatch.com can't be ignored.

The site celebrates a narrow, financial view of dating and partner selection. A transactional, my money for your beauty kind of deal. That Charlie Sheen, who has admitted to paying for sex and who has enjoyed the company of porn performers, should find this a comfortable forum is not surprising. Money is the common bond for all participants in MillionaireMatch.com, and some intimate transactions are more overt than others.

Social networking for jet setters

2006-05-12T14:07:00.000-04:00

For those who disdain mingling with the hoi polloi, there’s a social networking site that fits the bill. Conceived during a boar hunt by Erik Wachtmeister, a former investment banker and the the son of a Swedish ambassador to Washington, aSmallWorld.net was founded to cater to the networking needs of the elite. Nicknamed “Snobster”, aSmallWorld claims almost 75,000 members culled from the jet-set. The site has tweaked its membership criteria several times, making it increasingly difficult for someone new to join.

Unlike on Friendster or MySpace, where signing up is straightforward, it is first necessary to be invited to participate by an established member of aSmallWorld. The site says it is “designed for those who already have strong connections with one another,” and if you don’t happen to know someone who is already a member, the site also advises that “you simply need to be patient.” You know, while you get to work at knowing a better class of people.

However, if you happen to know the odd supermodel who’s willing to invite you in, you’d better be prepared to comply with the strict, but mostly unwritten, rules of participation. No flame-wars. No pestering celebrities like Naomi Campbell, Paris Hilton or Quentin Tarantino. No unwelcome business pitches. Because if you run afoul of the rules, you risk being banished – without notice -- to aBigWorld.net. Complying with the code is worthwhile, however, if you want a place to find out about polo ponies, air charters, and maitre d’s, aSmallWorld is an excellent place to connect with fellow Eurotrashers, who can keep you apprised of the best places to get contraband Cuban cigars in New York City, and who can direct you towards the hottest nightspots in every corner of the world. And without these kinds of connections, your quality of life may truly suffer.

Keeping ahead of the con artists

2006-05-10T15:39:00.000-04:00

Physical proximity – known to social scientists as propinquity – was always one of the most important factors in mate selection. After all, you had to first meet your potential mate before you could consider dating them. The Internet, with the proliferation of chat and dating sites, makes location far less important. Relationships that begin on the Internet can arise between people in different cities, as Sue experienced, or even in different countries.

The same Nigerians who send us unsolicited emails in hyper-formal language where we are offered the opportunity to earn millions of dollars, but only if we invest a “small” amount up front, have turned to lonely hearts scams to augment their revenue streams.

Theresa Smalley was a victim of such a scam. While trying online dating, she received an email from a man who claimed to be an American working out of the country on a construction job. They connected, and wrote each other often. One month into their relationship, on Valentine’s Day, she even received a box of chocolates, a teddy bear and a helium balloon that said “I love you.” Though Theresa had never met her paramour – he promised to visit her when he returned to the US from his job site in Africa, though no trip had yet occurred – she had become smitten.

The relationship progressed over several months, with the emails increasing in frequency and emotional intensity. Then, a problem arose where her friend was unable to cash the money orders that his employer had given as payment. Theresa cashed two $900 money orders and then wired her friend the money. Theresa’s bank later got in touch with her when it discovered that the money orders had been doctored. They had been purchased for $20, but had been modified to read $900. Theresa was on the hook for the amounts she had received when cashing the money orders.

This kind of scheme is elaborate and time-consuming as it requires cultivating a level of trust and compatibility. Fortunately, due to the investment required by the scam-artists, it remains uncommon. Unfortunately, it is a growth area. There is even a site – StraightShooter.net – where there is a database of sweetheart con artists where anyone who has been swindled can input information like names, email addresses, physical descriptions. If there have been other complaints about a particular swindler, the information is shared among any victims to try to shut down the con-artist by demonstrating a pattern of fraud.

Sweetheart scams have been around forever, and the scams will continue to evolve in tandem with the technologies that enable strangers to become friends. Fortunately, the Internet now provides a central forum where isolated and embarrassed victims may speak up and help others. Predators should be on notice.

Shallow ponds

2006-05-07T13:31:00.000-04:00

VanityDate.com is a shallower, prettier version of HotorNot.com. Where other sites try to be playful and amusing, VanityDate is tailored towards those who like the idea of inclusion and exclusion based on such overt attributes as appearance, and such hidden attributes as wealth. To connect with members of VanityDate.com, prospective daters must first be deemed sufficiently attractive by the existing members of the site, and if the dater isn’t good looking, they must be rich instead. The site is unapologetic about its approach, saying:
“Welcome to VanityDate.com, the world's most judgmental, shallow dating website. At Vanity Date we have a vision of creating the largest database of the world's most good looking, rich and superficial people. Now, this doesn't mean you have to be a super model, but you have to be a so called 7.0 and above to be allowed full access to the database or be talented and have an income over 200,000 dollars per year. Leave a bad taste in your mouth? If so, then we have accomplished our goal.”

The site even encourages people who are offended to email them at rotinhell@vanitydate.com. The site also directs the outraged to view an official response from the CEO about their complaints. The official response is similarly in-your-face as it is a picture of a beautiful woman snarling, with the tattooed words “bite me” visible on her lower lip.

The pricing scheme at VanityDate is unusual. It is free for women, and $40/month for men. It’s clear that the female participants expect to be judged primarily on their appearance, while the men, who provide the financial support for the enterprise, have considerably more latitude.

The site even offers a premium dating service called “VIP Match”. It is a traditional matchmaking service which incorporates image consultation and relationship coaching. The fees are exceptional, however. A “silver membership”, which entitles the member to two introductions a month for a year, costs $10,000, while a “platinum membership” promises unlimited introductions at a cost of $20,000 for a year. Once again, it is only the men who pay. The only things required of the female participants are that they be beautiful and that they “want to meet wealthy men for potential romance.” Implicit, of course, is that the women are judged on their looks and the men on their wallets.

GorgeousNetworks.com, which began in London, brings more humor to the task of separating the bland from the spectacular. Its goal is to “network upwardly mobile, attractive, ambitious people together, be it for business, friendship, relationships and ultimately love.” Existing members get to determine whether prospective new members make the cut by voting them in or out, and at a cost of ₤250 (about $440 USD) for a lifetime membership, only those serious about meeting gorgeous people will apply.

Surely, there are better ways of finding a good looking date?

Casual Encounters on Craigslist

2006-04-17T16:09:00.000-04:00

Where daters can sort and search on match.com">Match.com, Craigslist offers immediate ad visibility – for free. As soon as you post your an ad on Craigslist, it goes to the top of the list where it will be viewed by anyone looking for such an encounter. This immediacy is important in the Casual Encounters section, because if you’re “lonely in Brooklyn right now”, your ad has the potential to be seen right away by someone who is “horny in Brooklyn.”

Though Craigslist offers more conventional types of personals, Casual Encounters offers the least ambiguity. With listings like “Bored in my hotel room, m4w”, “Rain doesn't bother me. Invite me over, and we can party and play - m4w” and “Really horny. Looking to meet up, mess around and have some fun – m4m” it is easy to know exactly what the advertisers are looking for.

In any given day in New York City, over 90% of the Casual Encounters ads are placed by men looking for company, split between the 70% of the ads from men looking for women (the “hope springs eternal” crowd), and the 20% of ads from men looking for other men (the group most likely to find what they’re looking for). The balance of the ads are placed by women – mostly women looking for men, though a small number of ads are placed by women looking for other women.

The posters are hopeful, though the men looking for women seem skeptical about the process. One fellow writes “Do women really respond to these things?”

The women who advertise on Casual Encounters appear to be split between the coyly commercial – prostitutes who use a subtle come on to entice men to respond – and the genuinely willing. One probable sex worker wrote “Hi fellas! I need to find a new lover. My current friend-with-benefits is never available. He's not dominant enough for my taste and he's selfish when it comes to taking care of my sexual needs-- plus its seems its only when it's convenient for him. He's adorable and has lots of stamina but he's young and inexperienced and I need a real man who knows how to take care of a real woman. Any takers with at least 7"? Send a pic and a blurb.”

A less entrepreneurial, but no less enterprising woman wrote, “My slumlord hasn't turned on the heat (bastard) and I'm freezing!! A casual encounters cliché, I know, but I really am looking for someone to come over and keep me warm! A hot makeout would do the trick, maybe more if you do a good job. If you brought over some soup and hot chocolate you'd be my best friend forever. Sorry to disappoint but I'm very normal. I’m attractive with long brown hair, green eyes, 135lbs, 5'7”. Looking for someone just as normal, cute, clean cut, in shape, great kisser, D&D free and all that good stuff... NO REPUBLICANS.”

Adult Friend Finder in the news

2006-04-13T23:51:00.000-04:00

AdultFriendFinder, which bills itself as the “World’s largest sex and swinger personals site,” has been in the news lately. In addition to being the most popular of the dating sites dedicated primarily to libidinous pursuits, it was also the site Neil Entwistle - the British man accused of murdering his wife and infant daughter in Massachusetts - used to cultivate a little extra-marital action.

After exploring Entwistle's computer records, prosecutors found email correspondence between Entwistle and a woman he found on AFF. Entwistle was "looking for a bit more fun in the bedroom" and a "very discreet relationship just for fun." "Discreet", of course, being the code word for "I'm married and any sex is strictly on the side."

AdultFriendFinder is the top "adult personals" site, according to Websearch. In an interview with OnlinePersonalsWatch, its founder, Dr. Andrew Conru describes how the site came to fruition:
"Shortly after we went online with FriendFinder, people started posting explicit photos that pushed the envelope of a friendly dating site. Our first response was simply to delete profiles with explicit photos in them. Later on, instead of fighting the persistent trend, we decided to go with it, and we created a new site called AdultFriendFinder. It started out as a kind of release valve for the more erotic adventurers. But it was so well received, it just grew like kudzu from there. "

It's not surprising that Entwistle went on AdultFriendFinder if he was looking for sexual action beyond his marriage. AFF knows its market well, and offers its member the capacity to search for partners for activities such as group sex, erotic chat, or a discreet relationship. It doesn’t discriminate on the basis of sexual preference, claiming that gay or straight, it offers the sexiest men and women. Of course, the site has greater aspirations. AdultFriendFinder wants to be “even more than a sex site. We want people to use the site as a way to grow and develop sexually.” With almost 20 million active members, at least some must believe that threesomes and moresomes are a road to enlightenment. Where Entwistle is concerned, however, the AdultFriendFinder connection demonstrates a willingness to keep secrets from friends and family, and shows that both his marriage and his judgement were very flawed.

The Lake Wobegon Effect

2006-04-10T14:52:00.000-04:00

In a 2004 study of online dating practices by Guenter Hitsch, Ali Hortacsu and Dan Ariely (three economists), the researchers found a strong relationship between men’s self-reported income (i.e., how much they say they earn) and their success on the site as measured by the number of email approaches they received. Those men with college and graduate degrees were also approached more often than their less-educated counterparts. Women, on the other hand, were more successful the more attractive they were.

The researchers also found something quite fascinating. As in Lake Wobegon where everyone is above average, a large percentage of both the men and women rated themselves as at least “above average” looking. Some 67% of men in Boston and 71% of women in Boston said they were “above average” or “very good looking”; 31% of men and 28% of women said they were “average”; while less than 1% of each gender described themselves as having “less than average” looks ( some people did not report their looks). Having lived in Boston, I know what the locals look like – and they are not overwhelmingly good looking. Unless dating sites attract an unusually handsome population, the prospective daters are very generous in their self-descriptions.

As these descriptions of appearance become less and less useful in screening, many people will only look at profiles that contain photos. The researchers found that those women who post photos receive twice as many inquiries as the women who post no pictures, and those men who post photos receive 50% more inquiries. Given the importance of photos, it is no surprise that services have sprung up to make sure that a dater’s picture is enticing. There are services like LookBetterOnline.com which bills itself as an “easy and economical way to get great new photos for your online dating profile.” It is a network of photographers in 6,000 cities who will provide daters with 12 headshots for $129. These photos promise to “deliver emails, date offers and fantastic matches”. It’s “Glamor Shots” for Internet daters.

Since it is much more difficult to verify income than it is to verify attractiveness, this is another area of dater exaggeration. In Boston, the researchers found that 12% of the dating service respondents claimed to have incomes over $100,000. However, only 8% of Boston residents and 8% of Internet users have incomes over $100,000. Perhaps the affluent are drawn to Internet dating sites? More likely, people overstate their incomes. While such exaggeration has little effect on the success of women (men seem not to care how much a woman earns, men just don’t want to date women who earn too little or too much), it could have a huge impact on a man’s online dating prospects. (What next - W-2s as part of a dating profile?)

Internet personal ads reflect profound societal biases in mate selection. The statistics show that women look for men who have means, and men seek out women who are attractive (and who can prove it with a photo). And both genders are willing to finesse the truth to achieve their goals.

Software for people with busy bedrooms

2006-04-06T12:05:00.000-04:00

Contact management software isn't just for sales people. It's also for escorts and gay men with busy social lives. iTrick was developed as a tool for gay men, so that a man with an active sex life could easily remember the specifics of his various sexual partners.

iTrick enables its users to input information like appearance, cock size, sexual prowess, as well as contact information. It couples that data with tools that any geek would love. Want to know the average age of your sex partners? iTrick offers reports that can provide information on every statistic, from age to cock size. It can also provide its users with a chronological picture of their sex lives. If you're the kind of person who wants to quantify and compare how much action you got one month to the next, this feature is for you.

The site's pitch may not resonate with most:
"Do you meet guys online and hookup with 'em? Ever lose track of 'em? Ever figure out that you're talking to the same jerk that wasted your time a few months ago? Ever have a bro ask if you want to hookup again and you can't remember who the hell he is, or what he looks like, much less if he was any good at it? If you can answer yes to any or all of these questions then iTrick is for you!"

Fortunately, the software is free.

While this is a tool that borders on parody and has limited significance, it does have one useful function. If a diligent user discovers that he has an STD, it's easy to send past sex partners an email with the bad news.

Not tonight, please. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that...

2006-04-03T15:02:00.000-04:00

Where the Internet provides those with the most obscure, distasteful or strange kinks with a chance to interact with others who share their perversion, one online group eschews sex entirely. Asexuals – people who do not experience sexual attraction – have an online community at Asexuality.org. The group was created in 2001 with the goals of “creating public acceptance and discussion of asexuality and facilitating the growth of an asexual community. Since that time we have grown to host the world’s largest asexual community, serving as an informational resource for people who are asexual and questioning, their friends and families, academic researchers and the press.” The site has been very successful in spreading the word about the 1% of the population who has never felt sexual attraction, garnering press on Salon.com and comment by sex columnist Dan Savage.

There is considerable depth to Asexuality.org. In addition to educational articles, there is a substantial message board covering a broad range of topics such as the challenges of asexual relationships, advice for the romantic partners of asexuals, an exploration of the linkage between asexuality and autism, and the educational background of participants.

The site even offers advice on how to come out as asexual. It even provides snappy comebacks to the most common replies. For the response, you are a lesbian, not an asexual (two thirds of the site’s participants are women), SwankIvy – an active contributor to the site - notes “For some reason people can understand that I'm not interested in penises, but only if they can project my hypothetical feelings onto a buried desire for vaginas. Being gay is fairly acceptable these days--actually, much more so than being nonsexual--so I venture to say if I WAS a lesbian I'd come out. It just isn't the case.” If somebody wonders whether she’s asexual because she hasn’t met the right man yet, SwankIvy replies “Maybe I haven't. But it's not fair to assume that there is one, or that my life won't be complete unless I do meet him.” When someone suggests she’s sworn off sex because she was in a bad relationship, SwankIvy is clear, “That's the most common suggestion--I've obviously been hurt, scarred by a bad experience, and have sworn off men as a result. No.”

The internet provides a place for people seeking every imaginable sexual interest or proclivity. From those who want to do it lying in the missionary position, to those who want to do it swinging from a trapeze. And for those who don't want to do it at all, the internet provides a nice, lust-free place for them too.

Getting crushed

2006-04-03T13:55:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I received a mysterious email where I was notified that an unnamed someone had a crush on me. "How highschool," I thought (except that I never got any notes from secret crushes when I was a teenager). The email came from eCrush.com, and it included an invitation. If I were so inclined, I could reply back through the service with the names of any friends or acquaintances that I also liked. If the name I offered matched the identity of the initial sender, we’d both get an email saying that we had “matched”.

I spent some time trying to figure out who might have feelings for me while simultaneously lacking the nerve to pursue those feelings in a straightforward manner. No one came to mind, so I ignored the email.

A couple of days later, a follow-up email arrived, providing a “hint” about the appearance of the sender of the eCrush. Though I wasn’t certain, the description sounded like a former client of mine. If it was who I thought it was, the crush was not reciprocated. The guy was okay, but the backwards, childish manner of his approach left me unimpressed. I didn’t pursue the eCrush further. Because I didn't follow up, I will never be certain of the identity of the sender as there was no “match”. The site's anonymity means that the sender's delicate ego has been protected.

While the site may have limited appeal to those who prefer a more direct approach, it has considerable appeal to teenagers, who flock to the site. It is also appealing to those who don’t want to reveal their interest until they can be sure it is reciprocated at some minimal level. eCrush has matched over 350,000 people, succeeding in their goal to “provide a safe way to build upon feelings for someone you’ve already met and have feelings for.” It's a fun diversion for children, but adults should think hard before trying it out.

Castration for kicks

2006-04-01T11:10:00.000-05:00

Penis envy. Freud believed this was a repressed desire, on the part of women, to possess a penis. Given the news out of Charlotte NC, Freud got the gender wrong.

Yesterday, three men - none licensed to practice medicine - were arrested and charged with performing illegal castrations. They had performed at least eight surgeries on six different clients. These surgeries included castrations, testicle replacements, urethra rerouting and penis removal.

The men had a "dungeon" where, in addition to lopping off the odd testicle, they produced S&M content for a local website. Their surgical "clients" had come from as far away as South America, demonstrating the power of the internet in bringing the crazy to the perverse. There is even a website for eunuch wannabes that casts itself under the rubric of "body modification." It comes complete with busy message boards and thousands of stories, so this fascination cum compulsion is hardly unique.

The three would be surgeons have each been charged with "five counts of felonious castration without malice, five counts of felonious conspiracy to commit castration without malice and eight counts of misdemeanor performing medical acts without a license." Just how many castrations have occurred in South Carolina to make the law distinguish between the malicious and the non-malicious sort?

Some men are obsessed with penises. Before the German cannibal's meal passed out the from blood loss following his penectomy, Meiwes and the donor/dinner tried to eat the man's penis. By comparison, what happened in the dungeon seems almost benign. And while it's certainly not a good idea for unlicensed people to be performing serious operations in their basement, there is one upside to this story. None of the willing patients will be able to further reproduce.

Women who bring men to their knees

2006-03-30T08:43:00.000-05:00

If it seems like men always have the upper-hand sexually on the Internet, peruse some of the female domination sites and you’ll realize that there are many guys who are desperate to submit. For those whose sexual proclivities gravitate towards leather clad dominatrixes wielding whips, there is a substantial industry devoted to addressing their fetishes. For a fee varying from between $100 and $500/hour, you can be spanked, whipped, tied up, dressed down, or have any number of other fantasies fulfilled.

Though it sounds implausible that there is a market for such services, there is. Yesterday for instance, Abraham Alexander an accountant in New York City, admitted that he stole almost a quarter of a million dollars from his employer. Some $30,000 of that money was spent paying for sessions with an Ohio dominatrix named Lady Sage.

When I asked Veronica, a girlfriend of mine who is a sex worker, about some of the unusual requests she gets from her clients, she just laughs. She believes that she is performing an essential service on behalf of wives who find their husbands’ proclivities distasteful. “Why do these things if you don’t want to and don’t have to?” Why not outsource some of the more technical and challenging forms of erotic labor – like S&M - to the experts?

The most comprehensive online directory of professional dominants - MaxFisch.com - has links to and takes advertising from over 1,200 S&M services in the U.S and shows that there is a substantial interest in whips and chains. These operations run the gamut - from simple, one woman undertakings run out of a spare bedroom, to sophisticated enterprises featuring equipment that would make the Marquis de Sade salivate and an array of provocatively attired women.

In past, S&M was an underground activity. To self-identify as a sexual submissive or as a fetishist was a significant hurdle, but to find someone able to meet those needs was even more challenging. “When I first started as a submissive”, remembers Daniel, a long time enthusiast of professional dominatrixes, “there were only one or two places where the ladies advertised, the ads were very vague, and you had to write them a letter of introduction. Then you had to wait to see if they’d respond. It was very underground, not like it is today with websites and houses, where all you have to do is write an email or make a call.”

The proliferation of websites devoted to the many different fetishes and edgy enthusiasms, as well as a greater social tolerance for sexual diversity has made it easier for prospective clients to find a professional dominatrix. However, the equipment and expertise necessary to have a domination practice insures that the selection and availability remains quite scarce. Correspondingly, professional fees are high, and booking a session can be difficult. It is quite common for a dominatrix to require a deposit and several days advance notice. When PayPal, which enabled its users to transfer funds electronically with only a click of a button, cracked down on its use by adult businesses, professional dominatrixes had to find other ways of getting money in advance. While there have been PayPal like services oriented towards the adult sector, their use has not taken off. Instead, sex workers who want a deposit have now reverted to getting payment by mail – cash or money orders are preferred.

The business has progressed to the point where there are several well known dominatrixes in most cities, and elaborate houses of domination (the S&M answer to a brothel) in the largest cities. This is one of the fastest growing areas in the sex industry, and with this growth comes unscrupulous and untrained operators.

Fortunately, fetishists are an eager bunch, and the risks don't scare them away from the S&M demi-monde. In fact, the risks may draw them in, with professional S&M being a way to experience the "extreme sport" of sexual exploration. The anonymity of Internet surfing has enabled many fetishists to explore their latent interests in S&M. It has often led to them wanting more, causing an explosion in both the client base and in the number of women who would cater to their interests. This migration from fantasy to flesh can make the business more dangerous for all concerned.

As a consequence, the message boards at MaxFisch have taken on an important role in helping prospective clients ensure that the dominatrix he wants to hire for some torture is a competent, careful individual, while simultaneously being unpredictable and outrageous enough to deliver the thrills desired.

The participants will solicit input from others about who gives the best spankings in Ohio or Paris, or whether a particular dominatrix is “safe and sane”. Some of the men will share details of their visits with a dominatrix, describing her approach and technique, such as:

“Goddess Heather is a very hands-on domina and she used those delicate hands to constantly squeeze my balls and cock. On numerous occasions, she would pull my tongue out and pinch the tip as hard as she could with her fingers and very strong toes. She used various instruments to attack my balls and cock, including a slapper, a crop and a strap. Fuck it hurt, but when she creeps up beside your ear and whispers a directive in that sexy British accent, you are simply putty in her hands and all you want to do is beg to submit and get beaten.”
“Mistress Sabrina met me at the door wearing PVC and boots, great long legs and brunette hair...my weakness. Our session was spent on a Cross and on my knees, but it was time well spent.”
“This week, I had the pleasure of sessioning with Goddess Venus Divine for the first time. She was absolutely great and very skillfully led me though a scene. I would highly recommend Her if you have the opportunity to session with Her. She is fabulous!!”
"Mistress Oliva “Is the hottest, sexiest most beautiful erotic domme I have ever seen, felt and smelled!!! She knocked my sock right off (as well as a few other items of clothes...).. I recommend her highly to anyone ... From the beginner to the expert she will satisfy your every desire and fantasy”
“With a very experienced, very skillful, incredibly well equipped and calculating Domina like the Sadistic Humiliatrix Mz. Fawn, one does not dictate what will occur in training sessions. One simply shows up and hopes her mood and agenda for the day will not be too stringent or exacting. And these hopes will inevitably be dashed one way or the other. Whether you find yourself with a dildo or a piss funnel strapped to your face, just know you will be put in your humble place. Whether your ass is striped with the cane, or her glorious ass is bathed with servile kisses, know the most appropriate femdom dynamics will always be strictly enforced.”

The site also has a board where personal issues are discussed by the dominatrixes and their admirers. Topics like whether to tell your therapist about your kinks (you should), whether to tell your wife about your kinks (you should think hard about whether to do so or not), whether clients can have relationships with their dominatrixes (the men think so, and the women don’t disillusion them) and so on. It’s a supportive environment where people can have intelligent conversations and learn more about their fetishes and what to expect before, during and after a dungeon visit.

If you consider that there are over 1,200 female professionals who specialize in satisfying the domination and submission desires of the American populace (there are a handful of “Masters” whose clients are overwhelmingly male). If each Mistress, Goddess, Lady, Princess or Domina spanks, whips, ties, torments or teases only 5 clients per week, charging each $200 for the hour, the market for professional S&M exceeds $60 Million. If you include the prostitutes who dabble, the market exceeds $100 Million. However, if you consider that this sector of the sex industry was virtually invisible only ten years ago, it's easy to see how the Internet has brought an outré activity to the masses. Pretty soon, a leather clad vixen will be plying her trade in your neighborhood. That is, if she isn't already.

Nuisances with lawyers

2006-03-29T18:50:00.000-05:00

The internet dating industry is growing up. Its growth is stabilizing. It's attracting a more mature clientele . And now it's the subject of nuisance lawsuits!

Last fall, Soheil Davood sued JDate. He alleges that a woman on the site (or at least someone purporting to be a woman) first engaged him in a flirtatious conversation online where she boasted about working for a lingerie manufacturer. After she badgered him to call her, he finally gave in and phoned her, only to receive "a taunting message telling him that he was rejected." Soheil felt that JDate promised an efficient way of finding high-quality Jewish women to date. He has sued JDate as he believes the site is "defective" and inadequately monitored as encounters like the one he experienced expose the users to a risk of "psychological harm."

Match.com and Yahoo!Personals are also the subject of similarly frivolous lawsuits. In November, Matthew Evans filed suit against Match. Evans contends that Match.com has employees who serve as "date bait", i.e., who target people just as their subscriptions are about to expire, by winking, flirting, and even going out to dinner with them. Evans believes that the company was so eager to retain his subscription fees, that they sent an attractive woman out on a date with him. Match.com quickly fired back with a sworn statement from the woman, asserting that she had "never been an employee of Match.com, nor was she ever paid to go on dates with any members or subscribers." Evans and his lawyers were trying to muster a class-action suit in a clear effort at corporate shake-down.

In October, Robert Anthony filed suit against Yahoo. Anthony believes that as his subscription was up for renewal, he received notice of many new matches to his profile. None of the matches turned into dates, and instead of cancelling his subscription, Anthony contacted a lawyer. Yahoo has sought to dismiss the lawsuit. Earlier this week, a judge ruled in Anthony's favor, saying that there was adequate evidence to allow his fraud claim to go forward.

One of the most absurd suits is from John Claassen, a California lawyer. Claassen tried to join eHarmony while in the process of getting divorced. eHarmony has a policy to match only people who are "free of relationship commitments" (i.e., unmarried), and as a consequence, Claassen - though separated - was ineligible to use their services. When Claassen contacted eHarmony to complain, he was told he'd be welcome to join once his divorce was final. While he could always join Match.com, for instance, which permits separated people to have memberships, for whatever reason he is intent on joining eHarmony, where customer surveys indicate a strong preference by its users for matches who are divorced, widowed or never married . Despite the fact that he would be unwelcome by most eHarmony's users, Claassen was intent to join. Channeling his legal expertise and a rabid desire to date, Claassen believes that this policy violates California state laws because it discriminates against him on the basis on his marital status. He is seeking civil penalties of $12,000.

While some of the small dating sites undoubtedly play tricks on customers as a means of generating more revenues, the large sites like Match and Yahoo are not going to go to the trouble of assigning employees to flirt with customers whose monthly memberships are about to expire. The economics of it simply do not make sense. Matthew Evans allegations of "date bait" are absurd. Evans was paying $25/month for his Match.com membership, and a typical term of renewal is 3 months (which are typically discounted). Therefore an incremental subscription from him would represent between $60 and $75. For Match.com to hire an attractive girl for him to have a meal with would cost at least $20 to $40. The economics of this fantasy simply do not work out.

Does Yahoo post fake profiles and reuse photos? It seems unlikely that they're trying to scam customers when there are so many people posting perfectly wonderful profiles every day. Do some users create multiple profiles? Absolutely. Just watch the movie "Must Love Dogs". This practice isn't fraud, it's fantasy.

Now as for the men who have been harmed by the dating sites.....First, because JDate didn't protect him from a rude member, and second, because eHarmony sought to protect its existing members from someone who didn't meet the site's criteria. These guys need to grow up.

Suicide and social networking

2006-03-11T14:17:00.000-05:00

Though it reads like an episode of Law and Order, it's actually an item from yesterday's Associated Press:
"Six young Japanese were found dead from asphyxiation in a car Friday, charcoal stoves still smoking beside them - apparently the latest victims of a surge in suicide pacts arranged over the Internet"

The depressed and disaffected have found a home online. Beyond the usual applications of social networking -- like getting a date or making a friend -- there are people who are able to use those same tools as a reinforcement for thoughts and behaviors that are decidedly anti-social.

By networking with others who are similarly preoccupied with death, a dreadful group dynamic can arise. Mafumi Usui, a psychology professor at Niigata Seiryo University is quoted in the AP article as saying, "Many young people try to kill themselves but can't carry through. But when a group of strangers meet on an Internet suicide site, and someone suggests a specific way to die...that's the dangerous dynamic behind the recent group suicides."

The chatroom discussions of suicide serve to normalize and validate the feelings of the participants, which in turn makes it less difficult to carry out the actual suicide. In Japan in 2005, 91 people died in Internet-linked suicides, and the number of such suicides has increased year after year.

This phenomenon reminds me of the case of the German cannibal, Armin Meiwes. On March 10, 2001, Meiwes butchered Bernd Juergen Brandes, whom he had met on the Internet. The two traded many emails, and Brandes once wrote: "There's absolutely no way back for me, only forwards, through your teeth."

So that he could relive the event, Meiwes taped his encounter with Brandes. The video was lurid and gruesome, including footage of Meiwes disemboweling the body and talking to the severed head. However, it also included footage of the two men trying to eat Brandes' sauteed penis -- removed first, per Brandes' request. Brandes did not die until later in the day, after he had fallen unconscious from loss of blood from his wound. These details persuaded prosecutors that the killing was voluntary, and Meiwes was spared from a murder conviction.

Meiwes advertised for a man to slaughter and eat on the Internet, and he claimed to have received many volunteers. Amazingly, the case did not surface until much later. Meiwes was arrested in December 2002, a year and a half after butchering Brandes', when an Austrian student spotted one of Meiwes' ads, became alarmed, and contacted law enforcement.

Alas, it's not just men who indulge in this kind of self-destructive networking. The online, pro-anorexia movement is almost exclusively the domain of girls and women. These sites foster the distorted body-image of anorexics, and provide considerable support to those wanting to further their pursuit of an 80 pound body.

For the sane or slightly neurotic, social networking is an extraordinary tool. However, when it is used by the deranged and depressed, it can serve to validate thoughts and behaviors which are dangerous and destructive. Is there a solution to this problem? Probably not -- especially since these disordered thoughts are so anathema to the rest of us that they are kept hidden. The disturbed can be highly motivated and will find the information and the contacts they are seeking however they can. And their necessary tendency towards secrecy makes the Internet an ideal forum for this kind of sharing.

Obviously, the parents of young anorexics or of profoundly depressed children should think twice before letting their kids anywhere near an unsupervised Internet connection. But where adults are concerned, perhaps the libertarian ethos will prevail out of necessity. Namely, that we all have a right to put our head (or any other body part) in an oven.

Group dating for adults?

2006-03-09T19:48:00.000-05:00

Is it so terrifying to go out on a first date? Even a blind first date? Apparently, it is. Even for adults.

For those who need moral support before, during and after their dating adventures, entrepreneurs have created an alternative to solo dating sites like Match.com. Today's USA Today profiles two such businesses - TeamDating.com and eTwine.com. The gimmick these sites offer is that it is dating for groups. For instance, if you and your best friend are both looking for love, you can find complementary duos, trios or quartets.

The obvious downside of this approach is that you need to recruit friends to form a dating "team". Furthermore, this means that your friends will have intimate knowledge of your dating activities (and you'll have intimate knowledge of theirs, too!). It can also make for an interesting end-of-the-evening moment, when one member of the team makes a connection, and the other member(s) do not.

It can be hard enough to set up a first date when two people have busy schedules. It is exponentially more difficult, when there are four or more people involved. Of course, for the socially leery or for those looking for an orgy, this approach could be perfect.

Dating sites for snobs

2006-03-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

There are niche sites for every flavor of personal interest: from tattoo enthusiasts, to farmers, to cat fanciers. However, this tribalism isn't constrained to occupation or enthusiasm. Intellectual snobs have a dating home online as well.

RightStuffDating.com is for graduates and faculty from a "select group of universities". It is an eccentric list of about sixty colleges and universities in the US and Canada. The list includes Bryn Mawr, MIT, Stanford and the Rhode Island School of Design. Although a graduate of any medical school may join. Doctors, it seems, are welcome at every dating site (perhaps the AMA needs to set up a dating site -- it's bound to be a success). The dating site requires its members to provide proof of graduate or faculty status before they can join.

While there is a certain logic to Harvard grads dating Cornell grads, this site is pretty hokey and very limiting. With a mere 4,600 members, a site like RightStuffDating.com lacks the critical mass of a Match.com, where there are 1.3 million members. -- Some of whom attended the same schools as the RightStuff membership.

If I were sensitive to issues of academic pedigree in my prospective dates, I'd just use the most populated sites and be subtly (or not so subtly) snooty about my own educational background and the background I'm looking for in a mate. If someone wants to date a doctor, they don't need to go to The Right Stuff, they can just search for "medical professionals" on http://Match.com. Of course, they will also have to verify that the medical professional that they meet is an MD, and not an RN. But that's what the state licensing boards are for. Just punch in a last name into a license verification site like the one the state of Connecticut has , and you can find out if the "doctor" of your dreams is actually a nurse, an optometrist, or a genuine MD. If it sound ridiculous to verify such claims, it isn't. A family member dated a man who presented himself as a full-fledged physician, complete with specialty, when it turned out he was actually a practicing nurse. It was just a slight case of resume inflation.

Spying on the ones we love

2006-03-05T13:06:00.000-05:00

It has never been easier to find out what a mate is doing. Spying has become democratic -- anyone with a few dollars and a suspicious mind can track their loved ones readily.

For under $1,000, it is possible to buy a global positioning system (GPS) tracker that is small enough to conceal in a car, but with enough battery life to last a couple of months. If someone suspects that their spouse is sneaking off to hotels, this tool will blow the whistle on any prolonged or suspicious parking. The SlimTrak Real Time Tracking System, for instance (available at TheSpyStore.com or BrickhouseSecurity.com) is about the size of a large cell phone and is touted as ideal “for covert applications” as it has a waterproof magnetic case which allows for installation under the vehicle or under hood.

When the tracker is used in conjunction with a service like LocationXS.com, it is possible to observe on the web, a report – either historical or in real time – of where the vehicle was at various times of day. This position will be displayed against a map, or in text form which includes information on the address of the vehicle at the instant its position was taken and what the vehicle was doing (parking or driving). The subscriber gets to determine the frequency in which they’d like the position of the vehicle updated. Of course, the more updates, the more cost to the consumer. The minimum monthly charge is $7.95, which permits the user to check out the location of the tracker 50 times. For $54.95 a month, the user can check the location 500 times in a month, which means that if there’s any prolonged parking, or any other suspicious hotel or home visits, they will be revealed.

If vehicle tracking seems too expensive, cyber-snooping is a low-cost alternative. There are many software programs that operate invisibly, which enable someone to trace their partner’s Internet activities. Visit a porn site, indulge in cyber chat, and your key-strokes could be logged, or snapshots taken of your screen.

There have even been instances of a spouse going undercover in a chatroom to try and entrap her partner.

For only about $100, there are many companies online that will obtain someone’s cell phone records. An article in the New York Times by Ken Belson notes that “anyone armed with a target’s cellphone number can call the same service centers that these data brokers call and, by creating a fictional identity and a plausible excuse, persuade an agent to hand over numbers.” While lawmakers and the cell phone companies are trying to make these security breaches less likely, it is inevitable that con artists and clever data brokers will continue to figure out how to acquire such private information.

All of these tactics involve desperate invasions of privacy. The easiest -- and cheapest -- solution is to find a mate whom you trust, and forego the cloak and dagger stuff entirely.

Beyond "pimping the internet" - Paratroopers making porn

2006-03-01T23:29:00.000-05:00

While some soldiers channel their exhibitionism towards dating sites like HotorNot.com, where they can flex and make friends (see "Pimping the Internet"), others channel their exhibitionism to make money.

Last week, seven soldiers from the 82nd Airborne division were charged with "knowingly engaging in sex for money on a public Web site." Three of the soldiers face being court martialed, having been charged with sodomy, pandering and engaging in sex acts for money. The remaining four soldiers received nonjudicial punishments including reduction in rank, forfeiture of pay and extra duty.
CNN - Feb 24, 2006

That the paratroopers were making gay porn makes this case particularly lurid. The website where their pictures were shown is based in Fayetteville, which is adjacent to Fort Bragg, where the soldiers were based, and it specifically advertised “real military men” engaging sexually with other men. AVN, the trade journal for the adult entertainment industry, speculates
that the site is ActiveDuty.com.

This bizarre incident goes far beyond "don't ask, don't tell." Whether it is evidence that paratroopers are underpaid, over-sexed, or far more entrepreneurial than ever imagined, we can only guess. What it does do is display the nasty confluence of sex and violence we find so intriguing. Soldier as sex-symbol is a well established archetype. That warriors might get turned on by other warriors doesn't seem like much of a stretch.

Pimping the Internet

2006-02-27T18:33:00.000-05:00

When not combatting the insurgency in Iraq, soldiers - even those stationed in "Forward Operating Bases" - can communicate online with their loved ones. In prior wars, a father in combat had to rely on letters and infrequent phone calls to stay connected with his kids. Now, the mothers and father on the front lines stay connected far more easily. The military sets up rooms full of computer equipment, complete with webcams, as a means of promoting morale.

These Internet connections aren't always being used for wholesome purposes, however. Online dating has become the recreation of choice for many of the US soldiers stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Jokingly referred to as "pimping the Internet", it is considered one of the key ways for the soldiers - who are predominantly male - to arrange a little sexual action when they return home from the military action.

HotorNot.com, for instance, is a huge hit among soldiers deployed abroad, where many of the soldiers kill time and try to meet people by posting their photos and profiles. Young and fit, the servicemen and women are ideal candidates for a site where the emphasis is on physical appeal. A buff body is bound to elicit far more attention than a thoughtful write-up. Typical military profiles read:
“Hi, I am currently in Iraq (again, geez!). Originally from Texas, I love drinking, mudding, and football.”
“Howdy! I just like to laugh and make people laugh. I am the beer pong champ! If you think you can beat me, bring it on! I like to travel to a new place every year. This year it’s Iraq, next year maybe Germany.”
“Hanging out in Afghanistan. Always looking for someone cool to email with. I'm into motorcycles, golf and running.”

There are niche sites which cater specifically to a military population like MilitarySinglesConnection.com and MilitaryFriends.com. The conventional dating sites also draw a military crowd. It's not all about the brief hook-up, however. In the Washington Post's article, A Bed of Roses , we learn about Melinda Jackson who met her boyfriend while he was deployed in Iraq as a combat medic. Their relationship began on Yahoo! Personals and continued through instant messages, emails and the odd phone call. Their relationship was virtual for 9 months before they finally met in the flesh (but after they had begun talking marriage).

Soldiers go online for more than just relationships, however. Servicemen, unable to purchase membership to porn sites because credit card companies blocked charges originating from Iraq and Afghanistan (areas considered "high risk" to the credit card companies), found a fan in Chris Wilson. His site, NowThatsFuckedUp.com permitted users stationed overseas to trade authentic photos for access to the site's porn. Some of the soldiers forwarded gruesome images and videos of Iraqi war dead. This became a diplomatic mess for the US government and a legal mess for Chris.

Not long after the photos became public, the Polk County Sheriff charged Chris with 300 misdemeanor and 1 felony count of obscenity. By charging Wilson with so many individual counts, law enforcement made it very difficult for Wilson to secure bail (his family had to find a bail bondsman willing to write a bond for each charge, and though the bail was set at $151,000, the family also had to secure more than the typical 10% bail as there was a minimum bail of $100 for each charge). Wilson wound up languishing in jail for an additional day, even after his family had paid the bail bondsman the required $30,100. Though his parents secured the bail on Monday, October 12, 2005, it took a whole day for the Sheriff's office to process the 301 bonds, so Wilson was not released until Tuesday afternoon. Wilson wound up back in jail two months later, when his bail was revoked because the State Attorney's Office and the Polk County Sheriff objected to the fact that his site was not shut down. Wilson remained in jail for almost two weeks, through Xmas, until a three judge appellate court ordered that he be released immediately. The appellate court neglected to give a reason for its opinion.

Ultimately, Wilson cut a deal and pled guilty to five misdemeanour obscenity counts. No jail time was required, though Wilson was ordered to pay the state's investigative costs of $3,785.56 and to pay a fine of $500. As part of his plea agreement, Wilson agreed to shut down his website and turn it over to the Polk County Sheriff. The Sheriff intends to post a message on the site that says that the owner of the website was criminally prosecuted and that the violation of Florida's obscenity statues would be punished. Unexpectedly, Wilson was given three months to shut down his site, before the Sheriff would get possession. The reason for this delay is astonishing and inconsistent with the obscenity prosecution. Since Wilson had agreed not to accept any new customers, the court permitted Wilson's final customers, those well-intentioned consumers of porn who'd made a good-faith purchase of a 3 month subscriptions, to enjoy what they had paid for.

Though no-one may be getting laid in Iraq, it's clear that some are still getting off. --Or at least they will be through the end of March.

MySpace for sluts and other sensualists

2006-02-24T12:56:00.000-05:00

For all the teenagers posting on MySpace about their friends and parents, whining or exulting about their lives, there's another group using the site for very different purposes. This group isn't looking to vent, it's looking to get laid.

In VanityFair's March issue, the issue with the naked actresses arrayed on the cover, there's an article heralding MySpace's role in youth culture. And where the magazine's cover is sexy (who could resist Scarlett Johanson's naked rump?), the article profiles people who are all sexed up. In particular, we get to learn about one of the site's most successful sluts - Jeremy Jackson.

Jackson is vulgar but amusing, pointing out to the author all the women he'd fucked because of MySpace. And it's not just idle boasting. The women confirm having slept with him. Even Chrissy, the female ejaculator.

While I once might have found Jeremy's assertions implausible, I don't any longer. Several pals, who are even a few years older than Jeremy, have found "friends with benefits" on the site.

MySpace is an interesting alternative to casual dating sites like Nerve and LavaLife It's even free where the dedicated dating sites charge money if you want to connect with a possible partner. However, MySpace's lack of specificity means that a different kind of investment is required from those looking for companionship.

First, those looking for friends and lovers must have a page - the equivalent of a profile on a dating site - where they identify themselves in a fun and enticing way. And then they have to go out looking for simpatico people. Straight men, in particular, must make an effort. Reminiscent of sites like Match.com, it's necessary to search for likely partners. Unlike the conventional dating sites, if you happen to be a music freak, it's possible to find someone who shares your fondness for Coldplay or The Dresden Dolls. Unfortunately, MySpace's "browse user" capacity isn't designed with the same kind of sophistication as the search functions on the dedicated dating sites. And once the search kicks up some candidates, they must next be contacted.

The advantage of an actual dating site is that users are expecting to hear from people who want to date them. On a general site like MySpace, that's not necessarily the case. As a result, the initial overture has to be a bit more enticing than the low-effort, click-on-a button "wink" found on Nerve or Match.com. Fortunately, because of its roots as an indie-music site, folks may have more in common, and this must improve the chances of successful seduction.

The importance of a clever overture cannot be overstated. But fishing for action in a well-stocked pond sure helps. In the Vanity Fair article, Jackson says that he knows "guys who are not even as good-looking as me who get laid like crazy because of MySpace." Now, if that isn't an endorsement, what is?

MySpace - is it possessed?

2006-02-23T07:34:00.000-05:00

Poor Rupert Murdoch. In July of 2005 he spends $580 million to acquire MySpace.com (and the other Intermix sites), which heralds his company's first substantial foray into social networking and which represents an obvious strategy (ploy?) to appeal to a crowd a fraction of Murdoch's age (he's 74).

MySpace began in 2003 as a place where musicians could advertise and interact with their fan base. However, it quickly outgrew its initial mandate, quickly surpassing Friendster as the top social networking site. It is a frisky environment that holds particular appeal to the kind of person who is past puberty but not ready to settle down. Say, for adolescents between the ages of 14 and 40.

So far so good for Rupert....It was an investment that was heralded as genius, that is, when it wasn't accused of being an expensive indulgence. Unfortunately, a slew of bizarre and lurid tales began to emerge where MySpace played a starring role.

Zach Stark, a gay teen from a devout Christian household in Tennessee, garnered considerable attention when he wrote on his MySpace blog regarding his concerns about going to an eight week long summer camp that would try to change his sexual preference. In June, Zach blogged about coming out to his family and about how he was not eager to attend a branch of Love in Action, where his honosexuality would be "cured". Soon, activists formed the Queer Action Coalition and began demonstrating at the offices of Love in Action on behalf of Zach and other teens who might be confronting similar issues.
Zach Stark update

When two young college students in New York, Maria Pesantez and Mellie Carballo, were found dead of a cocaine and heroin overdose, rumors abounded. Were these girls regular drug users who just happened to score some unusually pure stuff, or were they victims of predators who coerced them to take the drugs or somehow took advantage of their naivete? Both of the young women had MySpace profiles which contained references to drugs, suggesting that neither woman was an inexperienced drug-user, and that their deaths, though tragic, were accidental. They took heroin and it killed them.
Maria and Mellie Get Lost, New York Magazine - Sept 2005

When the parents of Kara Borden, a Pennsylvania teenager, were found dead, it didn't take long for investigators to discover that the missing girl and David Ludwig, her missing boyfriend, each had profiles on MySpace. While their pages were reported by to very innocent, after the murders, the pages took on a whole new specter. People prowled the sites, leaving comments about the murder and messages for the teens. There was so much voyeuristic rubber-necking that access to the blogs was restricted.
When Murder Hits the Blogosphere

In December 2005, John Gaumer, a biochemistry major at the University of Maryland, beat a woman to death. Where did they first meet? MySpace.
Former Student Admits to Killing Internet Date

And where do pedophiles go to find young men and women to exploit? MySpace, of course. There have been a multitude of sting operations where police or volunteers (or TV producers) pretended to be children who engaged in online and phone conversations with men. And whenever the men suggested a sexual encounter, the "child" would acquiesce and a meeting would be arranged. In the most recent sting operation, thirteen men were lured to a Laguna Beach apartment, each hoping to seduce a teenage girl. The men arrived at the apartment with flowers, cameras and alcohol, and left in custody.
Laguna Sting, LA Times - Feb 23, 2006

Is MySpace responsible for these incidents? No. It's simply the preferred forum for teenagers and twenty-somethings, an age group not known for maturity and self-restraint. MySpace has age restrictions in place, and though they can be easily circumvented, simple supervision of Internet usage can address the most outrageous problems that arise when children go online.

These virtual environments are incredibly popular because they are far more liberating than the physical environments available to most kids. Online, it is possible to explore, engage and reinvent yourself often. Daily, even. And this flexibility and pacing is harmonized with the needs of a population still figuring itself out. The demonization of MySpace (and Xanga and other youth-oriented social networking sites) is mostly about the media doing what it always does....Piling onto an issue and perpetuating fear. Youth culture has always been terrifying to adults. From Elvis Presley, to Woodstock, to Marilyn Manson, to MySpace. Unfortunately, these stories only serve to highlight rare events and make them seem far more commonplace than they really are.

Do some dreadful acts have a connection to MySpace? Sure. But with over 40 million members, it would be astonishing if the site weren't linked to current events.

Dating vigilantes

2006-02-22T16:43:00.000-05:00

Infidelity happens. But if a woman should discover – by whatever means – that her boyfriend or husband has cheated on her, she can expose the philanderer. DontDateHimGirl.com was created by Tasha Joseph, herself a victim of infidelity, as a forum where the wronged woman can vent. The database includes the man’s name, age, location, and juicy details of what went wrong. Sometimes there’s even a recent photo of the offender.

In an article in the New York Times, Tasha Joseph describes her website as being like a "dating credit report." If you want a voyeuristic kick, read the entries. If you're a woman, the website is bound to make you feel better about your own relationships. If you're dating a cad, you know where to vent about him, and if you're with someone who's even just OK, you can be grateful you're not the women who wrote:
“He's been unfaithful to his ex-wife, unfaithful to his girlfriend/s and has a restraining order against him. He's a liar, very unstable, lazy and has even stolen proprietary information from his employers. He's only skilled at one thing - manipulation. WARNING-do not invest any time with this loser.”

“PLEASE watch out for this guy!! Over the two years we were dating exclusively I found out he dated and slept with several other women, including one he got pregnant. He neglected to tell me about the other woman and the pregnancy, during which time he asked me to marry him. He lied and covered up the existence of the other woman until after the baby's birth! When he finally broke down and told me, I promptly called off our engagement. He has also walked away from his child and the baby's mother. He has several different internet dating websites he frequents including match.com and nerve.com. He is a total scumbag and a habitual liar.”

Of course, if you're a man, you might find the experience of reading these screeds very unsettling. The women remain anonymous, while the men are revealed. The potential for malice seems very high.

A different kind of grass-roots effort occurs on sites like TrueDater.com. Though the big dating sites like Match.com and Yahoo personals have codes of conduct, and ask that the profiles and photos be accurate, some people misrepresent themselves. There are frequent reports of married people representing themselves as single, unattractive people representing themselves as attractive, and people saying they want a relationship when all they want is to get laid. As a result, sites like TrueDater.com have sprung up to put the liars on notice.

TrueDater.com was begun by Mark Geller, a single man in California’s Silicon Valley who was wary of dating sites because of all the horror stories he had heard. His site gives the users of dating services like Match.com and JDate.com the opportunity to review the people they have met through the dating sites. Anonymity is maintained. The site asks the reviewers not to reveal any identifying information like real name, phone number, email address, about the person being reviewed. Instead, the reviewers provide the dating site the subject of their review uses, while also providing the subject’s “handle” on that site. TrueDater asks the following of its users:
“We encourage users to be fair, accurate, and objective in writing reviews-- for example, reporting that someone is 4 inches shorter than they claim or that they have gained 20 pounds since the picture they posted. We discourage you from entering reviews of the person themselves or their personality or telling stories about your date since these kinds of subjective judgments can be hurtful and may not be helpful to other people who are thinking about meeting this person.”

While most of the reviews on TrueDater.com deal with questions of age, height and weight. However, there are many cautionary reviews dealing with issues of marital status and honesty:
“He lied to me about being divorced. He's really married!”
“This man is a pathological liar! He is married with two kids - he lies about everything including his age really is 48 pretends to have a bit of success but is an accountant with a fixed low income. He dates around on match- and yahoo his real first name is paul, uses alias last names.”
“I met this person on line with Match...he seemed great...had a job, business card, house and nice car...I never paid for anything...after a couple of weeks...there were things not adding up...I called his office...he has been out of a job for 4 months...next day I checked my checking account and realized he had stolen my cc and paid his phone bill on line...He lied about everything!”
“She's rude, crude, selfish. Admittedly so. Just remember, she gives you fair warning in her profile, so if you get burned, you have no one to blame but yourself! Good luck!”

Why are online daters so sensitive to being misled? It's related to the medium. It's incredibly easy to open yourself up to a stranger in the initial get-to-know-you emails, which can lead to a heightened sense of emotional investment. And when the witty, charming, exciting person you thought you knew turns out to be someone quite different. Someone shorter, dumber, fatter and more married than initially thought, the sense of betrayal and embarrassment can be very acute.

Online outreach to gay cruisers

2006-02-21T13:57:00.000-05:00

"Harm reduction" is a public health paradigm that acknowledges people will always undertake risky behaviors. The goal is mitigation of the consequences - helping people make safer and smarter decisions about risky things - rather than the complete eradication of the behaviors themselves.

It's the difference between handing out condoms while encouraging responsible sexual activities, and the Bush administration's enthusiasm for abstinence-only sex education. One approach is pragmatic, the other is unsuccessful.

A few interesting programs are being undertaken online to address the health and sexual practices of gay men. In New York City, outreach workers for the Positive Health Project, patrol sex sites like Adam4Adam.com. They're looking for men who engage in "party-n-play"; namely, the combination of crystal meth and sex as this has been linked to the spread of HIV and other STDs. By monitoring the sex sites and approaching those men who are open about their drug use, the outreach workers can try to discourage this dangerous activity and try to recruit the men for support groups.

Terry Evans, one of the outreach workers, is very diligent about his job. Every weekend he heads out to private sex parties where he strips down to his underwear to blend in with the crowd. That kind of commitment surely deserves a bonus!
Crystal Meth and Sex

If this approach seems a bit extreme, it's not. In San Francisco, during the summer of 1999, there was an outbreak of early syphilis among gay men who met their sex partners in an Internet chatroom. CDC Study Results

This outbreak presaged a broader epidemic which gave San Francisco, in 2002, the highest rates of primary and secondary syphilis in the country. Chatrooms and sex sites are means of both transmitting disease and of curtailing its spread.

San Francisco, given its large population of sexual minorities and its familiarity with technology, has innovated in the area of STD notification and testing. If you live in SF and discover that you have an STD, there's an anonymous service called inSPOT - Internet Notification Service for Partners or Tricks. If someone is shy or embarrassed about having an STD, the service will send their sex partner an anonymous email card.

The cards themselves are clever and graphic. One says "I got screwed while screwing, you might have too." Another says "You're too hot to be out of action. I got diagnosed with an STD since we played. You might want to get checked too." When filling out the card, users specify the STD they contracted, from crabs to gonorrhea, are given the chance to send it to as many as six different partners, and have the choice of sending it anonymously or not. And for those who receive a card, it links back to the inSPOT website where there is information on testing and treatment.
inSPOT.org

Of course, if it looks like online hook-ups are only making gay men ill, that's not the case. The Internet is attributed with a decline in the rate of HIV transmission. Gay men who are HIV positive are increasingly using dating sites which enable them to “sero-sort” – i.e., to identify and date only those who are similarly infected. By initiating contact online, these men are able to more easily and comfortably communicate their HIV status, and by limiting their sex partners to those men with the same HIV status, the likelihood of transmission is substantially diminished. In June 2005, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that the rate of new infections in San Francisco had been halved.
Drop in HIV Cases

What are your friends worth?

2006-02-21T11:58:00.000-05:00

If you don't know how much your friends are worth, you're probably not a member of Catch27.com, a fascinatingly cynical site directed at the MySpace.com crowd.

Designed as an experiment by E. Jean Carroll, who brought us GreatBoyfriends.com, the site tries to quantify and and monetize - for both its founder and its members - the looks and coolness of its members. It's a cross between social networking and portfolio management. Members create "packs" of 27 people (who must first agree to be a part of a given person's network). And based on the appeal of the pack they select, members can win prizes like iPods.

While this sounds innocent enough -- doesn't everyone want to win an iPod? The cynical part is that if a member of your "pack" isn't quite up to snuff, i.e., isn't as cool or as clever as the rest of the members, your total score will be lower. As a result, someone who wants to win a prize will want to trade up, exchanging lower ranking people for higher ranking people. It all makes me flash back to middle school, which in turn makes me want to puke.
Can't Buy Friends Like These, Boston Globe - Feb 21, 2006

Craigslist - more than just couches for sale

2006-02-21T10:43:00.000-05:00

So you're on Craigslist, looking to buy a chair, when all of a sudden you realize what you really want to buy is some time with a prostitute. It couldn't be easier to browse the ads for hundreds of escorts in the erotic services section. Whether you want some furniture or a hooker -- BUYER BEWARE!

Cops in various cities have been using Craigslist to bust both prostitutes and Johns. The most recent case is in Nashua NH, when several men were arrested after replying to a fake ad, and where several women were arrested after offering male officers sexual acts for money.
Prostitution Busts from Craigslist

At least the Nashua detectives weren't arresting the prostitutes after they had performed sexual services. A police force in Spotsylvania VA got in trouble last week when it was revealed that detectives -- only single male detectives -- had spent $1,200 at massage parlors in an effort to crack down on illegal sexual services. Detectives visited the Moon Spa several times, and once left a $350 tip. The sheriff said all that contact and all that tipping was essential to gain a conviction. Uh, right. Maybe the county should deploy its undercover agents in a more productive and less titillating way.
Cops Go "Undercover" in Massage Parlor

Celebrity email indiscretions

2006-02-21T10:37:00.000-05:00

If you're going to flirt or cavort with someone other than your spouse, be extra careful with your emails. Charlie Sheen learned he should double-check the "send to" box when writing his favorite hooker. What a shame it was Denise Richards who received the email. Oops!
Charlie Sheen doesn't know how to send email

Heather Locklear, on the other hand, discovered an email sent to her husband, Richie Sambora, that contained "provocative" pictures of a woman who used to work as Richie's personal assistant. Getting naughty emails is very different from sending naughty emails. However, Heather had previously declared the woman off-limits, so the photos -- even if they were unsolicited -- were enough to make her run to a lawyer's office. Though he's probably a little bit guilty (then again, aren't we all?), if Richie hadn't asked for the pictures or the email, it means he's gotten two unexpected deliveries. 1) The email. 2) The divorce filing. Richie gets raunchy email and Locklear files for divorce

Of course, these women are not unique. If cheating were suspected, Symantec found that 40% of women would check their partner's email, and 60% of women would check their partner's text messages.

Cons confuse me

2006-02-21T00:41:00.000-05:00

For those who cannot handle genuine intimacy, a romance with a fellow (or lady) behind bars may be just the ticket. You wind up with a pen pal who can spend hours crafting the most touching and caring love notes. Maybe, you even get to marry the convict of your dreams and enjoy a brief conjugal visit at the prison. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, imagine what metal bars must do!

Since it used to be difficult for a lady to find the serial killer or rapist of her dreams, there are now online dating sites where these relationships can begin, like: www.Inmate-Connections.com. Sadly, it's not just garden variety burglars on these sites. Recently, a Seattle woman discovered that the man who was in jail for raping her was advertising on that dating site looking for a woman to "cherish and spoil" with his love. What's a violated woman to do? Complain to the Department of Corrections and to the Internet company who posted his ad.
http://www.komotv.com/stories/41949.htm

Ironically, most online daters are fearful of running in to felons. There's even a dating site - True.com - that screens its prospective members against a database of U.S. felony and sexual offense convictions.

That these two sites can exist in the same country shows just how complicated people can be. Some people happen to love a dingy, shapeless, prison uniform, while others prefer clothes with personality and good tailoring. Then again, maybe it's all about the handcuffs.